Okay so I grew up in a church that discouraged any form of dating or romantic relationship. Yes, I am a Christian and I used to be the Zombie type of Christian. For those who do not follow me, I think I might have to explain what this means again. A zombie Christian as I call them are Christians that follow everything the pastor says or the Christian family says without finding out truth for themselves. Well, I have been a Christian Zombie all my life! When did this stop? Well, that’s for another blog post. You’d be surprised!
So yes, I really liked this girl back in School. Unknowingly, most guys were into this SAME girl. I am beginning to think she had some voodoo fish going on! Looking back, I stood no chance!
Coming from a church and a Christian group that constantly told me it was wrong to date or be in a romantic relationship till you were like 30 and ready to marry, I thought what I felt was demonic. I felt it was a feeling that had to be killed and not from God.
I fasted against that emotion because I didn’t want to be in a relationship; thinking it will DEFINITELY lead me to fornication. Yes, I used to fast whenever I felt bad or sinful. I fasted and prayed whenever I felt I had done something against God in ANYWAY!
You can just imagine the fast I went through after seeing porn for the first time. Those who follow my blog definitely know about the story of seeing porn for the first time. Gawd, it was terrible! I used to fast for EVERYTHING I felt bad about. And yes, falling in love was one of those things I fasted against. Did it work?
Hmmm that is one story for another very long blog post. You can imagine what I was going through, getting to see her every day in school. Constantly feeling like I was dirtying myself for having these ‘unholy’ thoughts. She’d smile, talk to me and I’d be a mess. A whole big mess between the feeling of being drawn to her and the horrible feeling for having those feelings; I must confess that even though some of it was lustful, I couldn’t talk to other Christian brothers about it. What I didn’t know was that at that time, most of these Christian brothers I thought were angelic had passed 200th base with girls and here I was, struggling alone and afraid of being judged.
That was such a dangerous and lonely place to be. A place, unfortunately many very TRUE Christian brothers are today. It breaks my heart whenever I have that thought. That’s why I formed Kadosh; a Christian group in my Church for young people to discuss their challenges; challenges they feel the church will not address and oh it was such a journey listening to cries and struggles of these young people in a church that won’t listen to them. Being that shoulder for them to cry on was a blessing…such an experience.. Also, a story for another blog post. Just remind me about that one.
I remember my very first wet dream oh my God! HAHAHAHA. I felt like I had committed murder! I felt so TERRIBLE. I didn’t know what was happening. I was just a mess because I thought I was above being human and I knew very little about human sexuality and its expressiveness. I was stuck in guilt for things that were absolutely natural because I fully trusted my limited source of knowledge to be all I needed.
Looking back on how I used to lock myself up in my brother’s room in fasting and prayers because of things that were just natural makes me laugh so hard and at some point, makes me a little angry. I preferred my brother’s room for fasting because he had all these preaching tapes…and loads of romantic movies as well. HAHAHAHA. Yes, so I loved to watch…No….The preaching tapes…pray the whole day….desperately wanting to get closer to God so that I can be supernatural.
It is okay to give direction to young people, Christian or not on how to lead good lives; pure, right and healthy lives but withholding truth from them isn’t the way to do it either. We need to tell young people everything they need to know, that is when and ONLY when we can give them direction. This is what I call sexual empowerment that gives young people authority over their sex lives. That is only when I can be rest assured that young people are safe in Churches, that young people are safe in Africa and I can be truly free and happy in this beautiful world God has made.
Please share this to help that young person out there. All it takes to make that difference is a click of a button.